Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A Roller Coaster Of Emotions


Hope your week is going well. Its been nice here in Seattle--Kinda too warm and hot with the 80-90 temps... but looks like we are back into a steady pattern of 70's for sometime which is perfect! Not to hot not too cold.

So I am a roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis these days.....I'm happy...then sad.... then excited.... then bitchy...and for some reason I sleep a heck of allot these days. Losing mom has definitely changed me in allot of ways....I guess I am looking at my life a little differently lately as I reflect more and more...Maybe I shouldn't be writing anything right now as it maybe too deep ....oh well... I guess there is a delete option if needed on my blog anyhow....

So it has been 3 weeks that mum has passed. Before this we were able to have many a long visits and talks and in them we would discuss all sorts of things about life and such... We discussed so much and through them I knew what she wanted of me in my life...what she saw in me, thought of me and what I had done with my life thus far. She was so very proud and she made sure I knew that always.... and I have always been so appreciative of her approval on it and proud. I am just so happy we had the opportunity to kinda talk about many things in the last year and then again in the last few months ...though not at all as much as we should off really....but we both tried as we both didn't want to face the fact that she was going to die soon and kinda avoided that subject....She was such a fighter and we all had hope she would beat each battle as she had done so many times. The last battle was just too much for her. And she fought it up to the very end. Such a strong women. Oh those talks...I will cherish each and every one now. I told her on many occasions that I loved her and how how much I am who I am because of her love and upbringing and influences........but really it was only a few days prior to her passing that I told her how much I loved her and also told her how I was going to miss her so so much....That was the only time that I really told mom how much I would miss her....She held me tight and I sobbed more than I ever have in her embrace....even now it breaks my heart to think and its so hard to even write this..... I know I have so much more to say and to elaborate and to put down into words and print ......and I will do so in time.....as I know I will want to have it to look back upon.... to reflect on....my raw emotions....I'm just not so ready to put it all down just yet....

So as days go by and time goes on I feel changes in the midst for me.....some priorities have changed for me even more so now....these are things that were already in the works anyhow....its just now I know how important it is that I keep on the right path I had already started. I really have been implementing changes since the start of the year but now its even more valid and clear. I have even more gumption to get them going and I am more accelerated.

About 2 months ago I had one of many long talks with mom. This one was about my current life and how I felt about it....I wanted change and confided in her...she validated it all..... She was proud of who I had become etc...what I had accomplished etc... but she also knew I was not happy and called me on it! Funny as we both knew exactly why as well. We both agreed that I had become somewhat "lazy" and or "comfortable" in my life. She told me how she knew I was unhappy for quite sometime and how she wished for me to be happy again and that it was up to me to make the changes needed in my life. I knew what they were that needed to be implemented. These changes are even more so important now than ever.

The obvious one is to live life to the fullest as we all know its shorter than we realize. We all know and hear this but even more so as we age and especially when we lose a loved one. So I am going to definitely live this life and make it happy for me and one that would make my mother proud. But to make this a reality I have to make a few personal changes as well. I need to make changes to my rooster..I need to surround myself with true family and friends and to remove the excess baggage and junk that I don't need. More than ever in the past year and now with moms death I can clearly see who the "good eggs" were and are. I already started changing and removing those that don't necessarily fit into my lifestyle- and it wasn't that most of them did anything bad to me.... for most its just I can just see how they don't belong or fit into my life anymore.

Sadly its a no benefit means no need in my life motto right now as to me life is too short to make time for those that..... well you know. And you know what? Since making changes in this dept I am already so much happier.....and it will continue. I need to shed and remove to grow. I will be cordial as my mom would want that but that is all...I need to get back to what made me truly happy and I need to drop the gamers, users and posers....all the BS.... Or at least what I think is BS. I also I need to distance myself from those that are superficiuos I mean who the fuck cares what you drive, where you live, what you wear, where you shop.....etc... Are those people truly happy? And I also need to drop the low end users that give nothing in return and only take take take and live off your culture your Hawaiiana-- all the posers need to say good bye!

I need to look in the mirror and make sure I am happy.... I need to be happy again soon......And I need to live my life how I want to live it--I need to speak up....its a real simple change...change so exciting!!

4 comments:

Steven Anthony said...

I cherish the last months I had with mom. We had so many late night talks...we were able to have true quality time...I will always cherish those days....death is horrible, but I think you and I were blessed with the time we had with our mums...
sounds like you are on a good path....life is short, embrace it my friend.....make the most of every moment.

hugs

Xander S said...

All the material things in this world can never make up for being an asshole or make you a better person.
What really matters when you leave this world is that the people you leave behind only recall the good times, love, laughter and kindness you shared with them!!

Jeremy Ryan said...

Wow that was a very deep post. I'm glad that you were able to tell your mom that you loved her and have meaningful conversations. It's those things that most people have regrets over not doing or saying something.

The extra sleep could be depression, but everyone deals with death in a different way. I wouldn't read too much into that right now but if it continues for months and months, then you might have an issue.

As for being happy, yep your right life is short. We all are reminded of that so often and momentarily make changes but most of us slip back to our old ways in a matter of weeks and forget how precious and short life really is.

Peace be with you. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

RAD said...

I went back and read this today...boy was I in a mood..well its true to my feelings thats for sure...